Tuesday, September 15, 2015

THE INNER BATTLE

THE INNER BATTLE OF CHRONIC PAIN

As I was going through some of my notes while working on a new blog post to published, I came across what I wrote one morning after waking up from a dream. I guess it could really be described as a nightmare. It was so real and so vivid! I believe many can relate to the pain being there before you even wake, in your dreams.  I know many can relate to the inner battle of wanting others to understand, wanting to explain it so they can, but finding the words to describe it is very difficult, for you know others just can't understand it unless they have it. But then you open your heart and try. And then there's some passive, shallow, unbelieving response. Or worse yet, no response! Leaving you feeling even more empty and naked.

THE INNER BATTLE 

I woke up again in excruciating deep, stabbing, throbbing, electrifying, gripping pain. It was once again in my dreams throughout the night. Wherever I went! Whatever I did. It was there, overpowering my body. Leaving me striving, gasping and straining to do whatever it was I needed to do. Haunting me! There was a mission I had to complete, but unable to. Working, and walking! Wandering and still walking. Extreme exhaustion! Never reaching where I needed to be. I was lost. 

No familiarity. Endless miles to go. I tried running, but could not. I couldn't breath. No one able to help me. As I kept silent, not asking, not letting anyone see I needed help. Not letting anyone I passed know I was lost! Yet when I finally got to where I needed to be I was left with emptiness!! Sorrow. Grieving inside.

Although there was great celebration going on around me, I was at a loss to it all. I stood there, all alone among this celebration. Someone angrily said to me as they walked away, "Where have you been? We had to prepare all this without you! What's the matter with you!"

I cried inside.  I tried to get there to help.  Yet I say nothing. Not showing my pain. I hide it. 
I don't want them to know this overpowering presence.  I want to protect them from it. I don't want to see pity in their eyes!  But yet, I need to be understood. So I try to put it to words. Words that can't even begin to paint a picture of the darkness this pain leaves me in.  I want to be understood!!!

I feel naked trying to reveal what I have no control over.  I try to explain the depths of this hell!  I open my heart and share.  I stand there and wait for their words.  Words I am hoping will speak to my grieving.  Oh, how I long to hear words of encouragement and love. Words of hope!

But then the only response I get is silence.  My soul gasps! More silence.... My heart melts into grief. Can you hear the silence? Can you feel the silence???  A dream? It is a Nightmare. 
Did I wake up?  Am I still sleeping?  Is this horrendous, 24/7 pain truly still here? Hovering like a dark evil presence. Encompassing my being, deep into my bones, overtaking my mind and yet even deeper into the depth of my soul!  I cannot get away from it, for it goes where I go. Always there, haunting me. Haunting my thoughts. I struggle to rid my self of it!  Of the responses to it.
Yet it is still here. Yet there is still the silence. The loud, soul piercing silence!

5 comments:

  1. Perfect description!! Thank you...

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    1. You are welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!

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  2. Perfect description!! Thank you...

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  3. "I don't want to see pity in their eyes! But yet, I need to be understood. So I try to put it to words. Words that can't even begin to paint a picture of the darkness this pain leaves me in. I want to be understood!!!" This is exactly what I have been thinking about this week. Thank you

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    1. Connie, dear friend, thank you for reading my posts! I so appreciate your words! Thank you! i hope you find the understanding you need! Blessings!

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