Tuesday, June 9, 2015



As I have been trying to figure out what to say about this acceptance stuff, I have been seriously struggling to get the words written. Writing my previous blogs covering these stages of grief I have been reliving many of the emotions and have found that this grief stuff still has its grip on me. To be perfectly transparent and honest, processing it all for this blog has caused me to relive some of the emotions of the things I have been writing about. I have been struggling with clawing my way out of this dark hole, slipping and sliding backwards, without getting very far to fully find this so called “acceptance.”

My questions to myself is, “Exactly HOW can one find ACCEPTANCE with living in 24/7, moderate to severe pain that causes so many losses! What exactly does one have to do to get to that?!?!”
In a previous post I shared about dealing with this horrendous 24/7, moderate to severe chronic pain the past five years leaving me feeling lost, wandering around an endless "chronic pain maze" that made me feel claustrophobic in my own body, causing panic attacks leaving me gulping for air, frantically wanting out of my body! Not only is it the horrendous pain, it is all the “stuff” one has to go through living with it!

With all the struggles of wanting to push forward, I have been constantly looking back at what my life once was, gripping tightly to my college degree I worked so hard to obtain in order to work in a much loved career! Not only have these losses that taken away my feeling of having a purpose and significance in my life, but the social, relational and many other areas of my life have been shredded to pieces! I have tried repeatedly to take these shredded pieces of my life and rebuild a new “normal”. But as you all know, it feels like an endless struggle! Seriously, it is just too much work and effort when the pain sucks all the energy you have to get done, or even care about, the so called “simple” things of life. This new "normal" isn't what any of us want!

I am not going to tell anyone what to do! Especially someone still in the anger stage! I so remember being told to, "Look at all your blessings!" "At least you aren't dying!" "It could be worse!" etc. We have all heard these statements! THAT DOES NOT HELP ONE BIT! And it seriously makes one feel truly misunderstood! Although, to be fair, some people are seriously trying to help in their own way.  We have a hard enough time dealing with all this, how can we expect others to know how to help us, what to say, etc.?

But for me, I have to keep moving forward! I need to let go of this grieving stuff and re-purpose what I have and find a new “normal” for my life I can deal with. Something that gives me joy! A sense of purpose! It is a choice. If you want to move forward, please consider making that choice yourself! It doesn’t come easy, but it will be much better for us, as well as our loved ones! Just remember, do not demean yourself for the grieving! And know that it takes a lot of time.

I am five years into this and one thing I have learned is it takes a lot of time to go through all the stages of loss. And it is normal to cycle through them over again. Everyone is different! Do have a focus though! But like I just said; DO NOT DEMEAN OR BERATE yourself for not achieving it sooner than later. We cannot skip the grieving. It is a part of being human.

But, just try and implement one thing into your life if nothing else! Make a choice to try and deal with all this without slashing our own heart, or the hearts of those around us, with bitterness and anger.  It is okay to feel those feelings, it is human, but to harm yourself, or to harm those around us, physically or emotional is not appropriate!  If you are feeling those feelings or having an issue with that please ask someone for help! A friend, pastor, counselor or seek a Pain Support Group.


I honestly feel that each of us has to write down what you want to focus on! Start with what you already know is helping you! Then look at what you want! But we HAVE to focus on our blessings and goals. No matter what stage you are in, making this choice to implement something, anything, just a little bit, is helpful! Otherwise we will never be able to move forward out of that dark tunnel, the maze of all the losses we’ve been dealing with! It will get a grip on your soul and will suck you in!
For me there are a few things I do know for sure lift me up! I know I have to focus on these things for I have been sucked into a deep depression!

I DO KNOW that my faith in God has held me up during times I just did not want to go on! The peace during times I should have had zero and the presence of His spirit overwhelming me with all these feelings are understood by only those that have that faith.

I DO KNOW for sure that I am NOT ALONE in this! Neither is any of you reading this! That I do know without a doubt! If you are feeling alone, please find a support group so you can get the encouragement and support you so badly need! 

I DO KNOW that my support group I belong to is a place I can go to and I am 100% understood! I do know that every single person in that group knows EXACTLY what I am dealing with! (I will have to do a separate blog on the benefits of a support group for I could go on about all the positives!)

I DO KNOW that the joyful feelings that have been trying to burst forth from deep inside my soul are real! Although they are still fleeting, they are surfacing! I will hold onto that and keep the faith that I will be joyous again! Not just on my face, but in my heart! (As many chronic pain sufferers know, we mask our feelings well!)

I DO KNOW I have to choose to keep looking at these things I can do to make this a better life for myself, as well as the loved ones in my life!

Fill in the blanks of what you know!
Feel free to share what you KNOW in the comments section!
More on this in my next post!
May you be surrounded by many blessings dear fellow chronic pain survivors! 

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