Monday, May 11, 2015



There are many physiological signs of being depressed such as difficulty sleeping, sleeping too much, difficulty eating, eating too much, crying, feelings of being extremely sad, and even for some being angry. Having extreme long-lasting painful emotions, numbness, isolating from people and events. Some may feel they would rather die or even become suicidal.

I found in my experience I would just cry my heart out. Alone. All alone. I did not tell anyone. Then finally, after months, I did tell my therapist. He encouraged me to tell my husband. Instead I would get up out of bed just before hubby was due home from work, get dinner going if I could, put on makeup, brush my hair and put on a smile. And my laughter. This became very hard to perform on weekends. It is too hard to try and hide the pain. Exhausting! You know what I'm talking about! I didn't want to tell my husband...but I eventually did. He said he already new. He heard me in the nighttime. I knew that because he would occasionally hold me and wipe my tears away.

But, he didn't know I cried during the day. A lot! Deep grieving, gut wrenching, soul shattering and heartbreaking sobs!  I would just lay there in such horrendous pain! Physical AND emotional! Unless you go through it you can not possibly understand.  I was told I would never be without the physical pain. EVER! It will always be there. For the rest of my life. Sometimes I would look out the window at the clouds floating by and wish God would allow me to just float away with them. I would find peace in that. Just imagining myself floating away... I even had it all planned out what I would do. That scared me!!!

I didn't tell anyone. It was my secret. My answer to escaping it all...But when my therapist asked if I ever thought about it, I was honest. I just whispered, "Yes..." He ask how. He asked if I would do that. Of course, in my heart I knew I never would.  I would never do that to my loved ones. That would be such a selfish thing to do! I could not imagine doing that and causing such horrid pain, grief and quilt for them. That is because many survivors do feel quilt! They wonder what they could have done. That is something that never leaves an others soul! NO! I would never and will never! Please! Don't you make that choice!!

But, I did imagine how peaceful it would be. Many of us living with chronic pain do think about it! Please know if you ever have thoughts of suicide please call the Suicide Hotline and ask for help! Don't do that to yourself or your loved ones! PLEASE ASK FOR HELP! 

There are so many thoughts that go through our minds. The loss of ourselves as we use to be. It is like a death of a part of our soul that once was and will no longer ever be. We grieve our careers, our homes, activities we use to find fun, our relationships, etc. The list is endless. We worry about the bills. We worry about how we will take care of ourselves, our spouses, our kids, etc. The worry list is endless! There are many that depend on us! This stuff just goes around and around in our minds!

Grieving this stuff is a necessary part of working through it all! We can't just push it aside and say, so long, farewell, it was good to know ya and go our happy way! I just doesn't work that way! It takes time! More time than we want! This is a very personal experience. Only you can process it as you need to. Only others that are dealing with it can totally understand all you are going through. However, others can be supportive and a comfort. Allow yourself to go through the stage of grieving. And try to allow others to be there for you! If you are alone, please try to find someone to share with. There are many support groups available. A behavioral therapist can tell you where to find them. Or your doctor. Research on line what is out there for you! You do not have to do this alone! Many behavioral therapists are trained in working with people with chronic pain. Please don't suffer alone! It can help you process all your loss and grief into someday down the road to finding acceptance and peace with all this! It does take time!

I am almost 5 years into losing my job and dealing with all the other losses discussed in the post A LOOK AT OUR LOSSES, I have been traveling along in this maze we are left with, trying to figure it all out. I have not been doing this alone! My faith has had a lot to do with being able to hang on to something stronger than myself. God has lifted me up so many times and given me a peace beyond all understanding. He has given me a purpose in all this to feel worthwhile! My husband and adult children, as well as my sweet grandson have done more than I can ever repay! My therapists I had off and on has helped me when I felt stuck and was not moving forward. And my support group I belong to online has been a HUGE factor in giving me endless words of  kindness, encouragement, love and prayers! They mean so much to me for they have been there to listen when I was down, understanding it all, because they too know EXACTLY what I have been dealing with! They are closer to me than many in my life! Please, don't go this road alone! Ask someone to talk with you, to listen, look around for support!

Eventually, there will be moments of joy that will pop through! You will laugh again! They will sneak up on you! Your heart will begin to feel a bit lighter. You may be surprised to have a sense of happiness that will spring forth!

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